The 5 Kinds Of Annoying Seagulls You Meet In Canal Park

1) The Loud Screaming Seagull

HRHAAAA!!! SQKEEEE!!! FGTYYYAAAAA!!! Yup. Those are some of the foulest curse words in the seagull language. Many foul-mouthed seagulls just hang in Canal Park all day long and yell them at your children. They really need to be more considerate.

2) The Food Thief

We’ve all been there. Just purchased some fresh popcorn of French Fries when suddenly the Lift Bridge’s bell starts ringing and it starts the rise. Will it go up all the way for a majestic thousand footer leaving the harbor that we can’t see yet? Or is it just a harbinger of our disappointment when it stops half way and the Vista Star comes through for the umpteenth time today? It is right now during that moment of wonder when your focus slips – *HRHAAAA!!!* – The Food Thief gull swoops in from the sky and you are left without any more French Fries.

In this moment of food-less despair, you then spy the Vista Star trundle under the Lift Bridge.

3) The Shit Head

He’ll shit on you. He’ll shit on your dog. He’ll shit on your ice cream cone and he’ll shit on his own shitty seagull mother if given the chance. But most importantly, he will shit on your head. Definitively don’t look up with your jaw literally dropped in awe of the jaw-dropping beauty of the Aerial Lift Bridge when this guy is around! Bombs away.

4) Pigeons

So what if they’re not seagulls? These annoying birds wish they were and will still be just as annoying as any of the seagulls. Instead of stealing your food they’ll just dance around in front of you performing their pigeon beat-box throat music. Don’t ever throw them a nickel though – they never acquire the required busker licenses from the city. They’ll still shit on you if given the chance.

5) The Satanist Cult Seagulls

You know these gulls. You’ll be sitting there peacefully watching the Edwin H. Gott depart from the harbor and you’ll hear a quiet whispering from behind you …

Ol sonuf vorsag goho Satan lonsh Calz od vors caosgo;
sobra zol Ror i ta nazps od graa Ta malprg:
Ds hol-q qaa nothoa zimz Od Commah ta nobloh zien od luciftian Oboleh a donasdogamatastos.

Yup. It is those pentagram-tattooed satanic cult seagulls trying to bring you to the dark lord again. How annoying!

Satanic Sea Gulls

Cover Photo: Pete Markham CC BY-SA 2.0, Satanic Seagulls: Sharon Mollerus CC BY 2.0

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