DULUTH, MN – Recently you may have seen an article titled What Will Ferrell is Saying About Duluth, MN Residents authored by the satire news website KCTO 9 pass through your Facebook feed. Rest assured that the events outlined in that story did not happen.
“The article they wrote is pure nonsense,” Mr. Ferrell said during a phone Interview with Duluth Facts last night. “Do they think that I, as a comedy juggernaut am still driving around in some beat up old car that is going to overheat in 65-degree weather?”
“I actually drive The Western Star 4800 semi from Maximum Overdrive,” Ferrell said. “You know, the Happy Toyz truck with the giant, freaky green Goblin face on the front of it. I bought it a few years ago because I thought it would be funny, and it was. The way kids flee in terror as I rumble through school zones is comedy gold! And also, I pay good money to the top mechanics to keep it in perfect condition and has never had a single engine issue.”
After clearing up the point about his transportation, Mr. Ferrell continued with what happened during his day in Duluth.
“Why was I near Duluth in the first place you might be wondering? Well, sometimes I like to load up the Happy Toyz semi and just truck around the country for weeks at a time to blow some steam off and get away from all the noise of Hollywood. I was coming up to Duluth via I-35, and it hit me, I needed a burger, BAD!”
“Parking the semi can be a pain in the ass when I have the trailer attached, so I just pulled over on the side of I-35 near downtown Duluth. I dug my bicycle out of the trailer and rode off on it in search of some burgers.”
“I cruised up and down this neat, protected bike lane a few times before stumbling onto this place, Toasty’s, that had burgers. The burger was great, so I ordered another. And then another, and another. I think I was six or seven burgers in when something started affecting my body. Maybe it was all the organic ketchup?”
“As I was sitting and quietly humming to myself in a burger induced nirvana, a woman on the next table over looked at me and said ‘This must be your first time in Duluth.'”
“In fact, it was my first time in Duluth, so I let the woman know. She made a sweet chuckle and then told me that Bob Dylan was from Duluth.”
“My mind was blown by this Bob Dylan fact, and completely ill-prepared for what happened next.”
The woman then gave Mr. Ferrell the address to Bob Dylan’s childhood home a few blocks away, so Mr. Ferrell biked to see it for himself.
“As I was looking at this yellow house where Bob Dylan had once lived, everything started to blur, and a loud booming voice came to me from the sky and said ‘There is more glory in Duluth that this one musician Will.'”
“I was stunned. The voice seemed so familiar, as it had been with me my entire life. Always there. Always comforting and welcome to hear,” Ferrell says. He then fell to his knees, started crying and called back to the voice “Are you, God?”
The voice replied to Mr. Ferrell, “No stupid. It is I, Don LaFontaine! The voice of movie trailers that you have heard your entire life. I too was born in Duluth.”
“I stood back up and collected myself,” Ferrell said. “To be standing at Bob Dylan’s doors and having Don LaFontaine talk to me was already too much of a miracle for me to cope with, but then the spiritual head of Don LaFontaine came down from the clouds and hovered in front of me! Wow!”
“I gave the floating head a hug, and the head then said to me ‘Come on Will, let’s go see a movie.'”
At this point, Mr. Ferrell started crying tears of joy as he agreed to go to a movie with the ethereal head of Don LaFontaine.
“The head and I ended up at a nearby theater that was showing Tommy Wiseau’s ‘The Room,’ but at 7 pm! Only in Duluth!” Ferrel states.
“LaFontaine’s spirit head and I had a great time throwing spoons at the screen during the movie,” Ferrell said. “The head even spit beer out through his nose when I looked at it and screamed ‘You’re tearing me apart Don!'”
“The movie ended around 9 pm.” Ferrell stated. “I figured since it was a Monday night, and we weren’t in a major metropolitan area, that there was nothing left for The Head and myself to do. Boy was I wrong!”
At this point, the detached, floating spirit head of Don LaFontaine told Mr. Ferrell that he had one more great thing to show him.
Ferrell goes on, “The head started leading me down Superior Street, and soon after I spotted Giant Jenga in the window of a local establishment.”
“Is that it the Floating Ghost head of Don LaFontaine? Is that what you are taking me to do? To play Giant Jenga?”, Mr. Ferrell asked the shimmering, translucent head of Don LaFontaine.
“Of course not! Don’t be such a stupid mortal wasting your time playing Giant Jenga Will,” the head of Don LaFontaine snapped back at Mr. Ferrell. “We are going to go see some live music.”
Ferrell says he felt doubtful of this plan. “Again, it was a Monday night in a not-that-big city, so I figured any music playing would have been a tired cover band playing Wagon Wheel, but I was wrong.”
“I forget the bar we ended up at, but the band that was playing on a Monday night was playing original music, and it was good!”
Ferrell says that the ghost head of Don LaFontaine and himself then proceeded to have way too many beers and shots while dancing to the local music.
“I woke up the next day in the trailer of my truck. There was a new tattoo of the outline of Lake Superior on my hip that I don’t remember getting, but I don’t regret it.”
Ferrell added later, “You have to understand, this is something that would’ve never happened in L.A.! So yeah, that’s my story about Duluth, Minnesota. It’s nice to know there are still places like this in America.”